While I was writing my last blog I knew the direction God was leading me
in this process of re-posting older blogs. That was until I was asked to read and
review author Jerry Jenkins next novel. For those you know me, you know I am
not a big fan of reading novels and fiction. However, given all of the hurt and pain that I have been dealing with for the last year three months and a half, I felt like I needed a good escape from reality and I accepted the offer to read Jerry's new book. Unfortunately, when I received it the title alone stirred up a plethora of emotions. To my dismay the title of the novel was The Betrayal, not a very good escape from a 15 month span of my life riddled with betrayal. Sigmund Freud wisely observed, “He that has eyes to see and ears to hear may convince himself that no mortal can keep a secret. If his lips are silent, he chatters with his fingertips; betrayal oozes out of him at every pore.
The story centers around Chicago detective Drake Boone who gets shot in the line of duty. Detective Boone's shooting was clearly a result of leaked information. The only question is who leaked the information. Unfortunately, all of the evidence points to a fellow officer whom Boone was beginning a relationship with.
Although, all of Boone's friends and fellow officers(including his mentor) urged him to disassociate with the woman with a questionable past whom apparently betrayed him, Boone sets out to prove the innocence of the woman he loves. In he meantime he must deal with the pain of possibly being betrayed by not only a fellow officer, but a flame. Boone's devotion and faith to this woman even leads him to form an unlikely alliance with a defense attorney whom he had sat on the opposite side of the table from throughout his career. As Boone worked the case and sorted through the evidence his feelings for officer LaMonica grew that much stronger.
As I turned the pages from Chapter to chapter, I couldn't help but wonder who was hurting more, the betrayed or the betrayer? Ralph Waldo Emerson once stated, “To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.”
We all know the story of the ultimate betrayal of Jesus found in the Gospel of Matthew (Matthew 26:14-50) and how Judas was so overcome with grief for what he did that he went and "hanged himself(Matthew 27:1- 10.)" Isn't it ironic that the main disciple who betrayed our Lord, did it for MONEY? Greil Marcus writes, “No failure in America, whether of love or money, is ever simple; it is always a kind of betrayal, of a mass of shadowy, shared hopes.”I don't mean to defend Judas' actions by any means. But, how many times do we justify working on Sundays or lots of hours? It usually goes something like this,"the more money I make, the more I can tithe and the more good the church can do for God."We don't realize, God doesn't need our help, just like Judas didn't realize Jesus didn't need any money for His ministry.
When I originally posted this blog a little over two years back I thought I had
"arrived" because I had gone through so much. My plans after I got back from
visiting Colorado were to tie up some loose ends, pack up and head West for
good. I never expected or would have thought that God had more to teach me.
Nor did I realize how much a particular friend of mine had grown on me, until I
saw that spark in her beautiful brown eyes and I was left dumbfounded and awestruck. Then a year three and a half months ago I betrayed that friend's trust and I have been living with the pain ever since. That is what this first blog in my series on how God grows us will be about. How God grows us through pain. Because everybody knows when you grow you have to go through some GROWING PAINS. That is why this is a Labor Day blog.
Grow(Pain?)
Alright, it has been awhile since I last blogged, now here I am blogging on my birthday. You should be giving me something, yet here I am giving you some wisdom and insight. Kind of backwards isn't it, or is it? Listen to Jesus(Luke 14:12-15.) You might say that I have grown up a lot over the last few months. And that is what these next blogs are all about; actually it is what my blogs for the last year have been about, like the last twelve years of my life have been. The ART of Growing. Spiritually, of course. Which is what the apostle Paul rebuked the church many times telling them to stop acting like children(1 Corinthians 14:20, Ephesians 4:14.) I can think of a few people I'd like to say that to. Unfortunately the modern church has the same problem, a few years back Joe White addressed this at promise Keepers saying, “most Christians want just enough of the life-saving blood of Jesus to cure them of the disease." As long as they have their free ticket to Heaven, they are happy and that is where their Christian life ends. There is no, growth, no joyous life.”
I once heard a preacher say. “if the devil isn't after you, it is because you are no threat to him. Author and speaker Dan Seaborn said it best, when he told about six thousand of us men at Promise Keepers to grow some balls. After my trip to Colorado over the summer I felt led to go back and attend the Prayer National Day of Prayer summit at the Focus on the Family campus in Colorado Springs, Colorado. I knew God had something to teach me on that trip, if I went. I had no idea how He would do it! God kept opening doors for me to go, like my friends in Colorado inviting me to stay with the as long as I needed to. The more I prayed about it, the more I felt led to go. As bad as I wanted to go, I had a lot of fears keeping me from going. So I asked two men who are a lot wiser than me for their advice. Both my mentor and my pastor encouraged me to go, to my surprise.
Still, I had a lot of WHAT IFs; what if I had a seizure(since I am high risk), what if I got lost because of my eyesight(which keeps me from being able to work,) what if had an accident, What if I met someone and was tempted to break my covenant with God and have sex before marriage, what if I couldn't take the cold weather? The risks seemed too great. Still, I felt God was telling me to take a leap of faith. So, at the last minute, I pulled out (in the middle of bad weather) four days before the prayer summit. Besides, ever since my near-death experience twelve years ago, my motto has been what doesn't kill me, makes me stronger.
Then while I was on my way to Colorado, my friend Tina called me and told me to change my route, because there was a snow and ice storm moving through Kansas. Great, I wasn't even out of Tennessee and I had my first sign of trouble. I headed back south through Mississippi and Louisiana , until my G.P.S. took me back up through Arkansas and Missouri, now one of my fears had come true, I was lost. After a three day drive that should have only taken two (sound familiar,) I made it to my friend's house in Colorado the day before the prayer summit. God helped me make it through the fog and rain, over two thousand miles, safe and sound. He even provided places for me to stop and rest. I remember thinking, sometimes our plans are not His, like the proverb says (Proverbs 16:9.) The next morning my growth continued at the prayer summit, I remember listening to Shirley Dobson as she opened the summit Friday morning. “If God has brought you here, He will take care of your needs!" Echoing Paul's letter to the church in Philippi as he left for Macedonia (Philippians 4:19- 20.) Matthew tells us that Jesus said, "your heavenly Father already knows what you need, DON'T WORRY!"
Luke tells us, Jesus said,"if you have faith the size of a mustard seed , you can command a mulberry tree to be uprooted and planted in the sea and it will. As the summit continued, I was able to see and meet some incredible people, like Tony Perkins, Will Graham (Billy Graham’s grandson) and Diane Dike, an amazing woman whom I got to share my testimony with and just like Rob Bells points out in his book Drops Like Stars (a few thoughts on suffering and creativity) our tales of pain gave us a unique bond like none other. The same bond united me with Jon Egan and the Desperation band when I met Jon after they performed at the summit, I was invited to attend church at New Life church which has been shaped by it's own lessons of suffering. In those three days God taught me through others testimonies of suffering, His word and through the Holy Spirit. Those are the three ways God grows us.
After hearing Diane Dike's testimony, I was reminded of all the physical obstacles I have overcome. Even though it was difficult at the time, it increased my faith, once God brought me through it. Throughout my stay in Colorado my faith was tested. Like when I saw a Meghann (whom I met during my summer visit) for lunch one day and I was tempted to have sex with her. Once I passed that temptation, I met another woman. But, this time I knew that I would be leaving in a few weeks, so I decided to limit my time with her. So my next fear had been faced and I and I made it through. Then my friends and I decided to take a train ride up to the top of Pikes Peak and I mean to the top (14,110 ft above sea level!) It was only twenty six degrees with a wind chill of seven at the top. That brought the weather whiner in me out and after that, the cold or the snow never bothered me again. The view from the top was breath-taking.
Since I had faced and passed another fear, I decided to be BRAVE and do some cold-weather mountain biking to test my stamina. This is why the U.S. Olympic Training Center is in Colorado Springs. The one hundred and thirty athletes that live at the center year round are tested by the high altitude and lack of moisture in the air. It causes them to train harder and it prepares them for competition in similar conditions. In his book Drops Like Stars, Rob Bell cites Japanese writer Haraki Murakani's remarks that runners spend so much time and energy on long runs because of the pain, the pain we want to overcome.
The pain keeps us from becoming Numb and let's us know that we are ALIVE and not just going through the motions. Anthony, Cole, Lee, you guys have heard my message about when Paul told Timothy(1 Timothy 4:7-9.)
Bell calls this a bittersweet symphony, having to suffer to grow. When I Was in college I remember going with a friend' to a marijuana growers house to smoke pot and while we were there the guy actually went to the plants and began bending the stalks. I told him he was crazy for ruining those plants, to which he responded that the pressure from the bend would cause the plant to sprout new stalks. Thus more drugs and more money. It's like an old oil lamp I have in my living room, after I got back from Colorado and turned it on, the oil wouldn't run down the wires, until I tilted the lamp and put pressure on it to make the pump motor work harder.
My best friend Mike, who is also a personal trainer, taught me years ago that if I wanted to grow and put muscle on, I had to lift heavy. "The heavier you left, the more you tear the muscle down, the more you ear the muscle down, the more you grow. Doing tons of reps isn't the same as lifting heavy, that insanity. Listen
to the apostle Paul in his letter to the church in Rome(Romans 5:3-5.) Paul would know, this self-proclaimed pharisee knew the scriptures better than most, but he persecuted the church and he still needed to grow. Luke tells us in the book of Acts that Paul(actually Saul) had an encounter with Jesus which Paul was left blind and depressed to the point of not eating for three days. Luke goes on to say that God spoke to Ananias, telling him that Paul had to suffer for my name. After God heals Paul, Luke says Paul continued to grow more powerful and even baffled the Jewish leaders by proving Jesus was the Messiah.
In his book Drops Like Stars, Bell says, "there is greatness in you. Courage, desire, integrity, virtue, compassion, dignity, loyalty and love. It's all in there, somewhere. But, sometimes it takes suffering to get to it! It is in there, inside of you, Bell calls this the "ART OF BREAKING." Helen Keller once said, "a happy life consists not in the absence, but in the mastery of hardships. In his book, Jesus wants to save the church( a manifesto for the church in exile) Bell explains how Jesus told His disciples to GO and take the gospel to every nation before He was crucified. And they disobeyed Him. They stayed in their comfort zone, where they were SAFE in Jerusalem. That is until the Romans started persecuting them, then they scattered and took the gospel with them! Ed Young said recently, "when Jesus was born, He was left the safety of the trinity." How can the church not do the same? It still amazes me how Peter, could have enough faith in Jesus to WALK ON WATER and then later deny he even knew Jesus. Then Peter goes on to write in both of his epistles to the church and say to them to keep growing in your knowledge of and faith in our Lord Jesus.
Then God shows up and teaches me another lesson, after all I had learned and grown in my first month in Colorado, God still wasn't finished testing me. I had to face my biggest fear. I had a seizure and a big one. If you've never had a seizure before, let me explain. They are all about losing CONTROL. One morning while I was eating breakfast, I felt my left arm begin to spasm, which for me, telegraphs I'm about to have a seizure. My first thought was, no, God, not this, not here. I called for my friend Tina and then I HIT THE FLOOR. I could hear myself talking to Tina, but it sounded like a cassette tape being eat up by a tape player. It took five firefighters and E.M.T.s to strap me to a stretcher. They thought that I was fighting them, but I was really fighting God. I wasn't going to let God let me have a seizure; they are scary enough at home where family is close. I should have let God HAVE YOUR WAY.
Like Josh McDowell said at Promise Keepers a few years ago, "the concept of fighting God, the creator of the universe is absurd." Listen to Job (Job 40:9.) McDowell went on to say we are just being disobedient children. Sometimes when a child disobeys their parent, they get HURT. And I got hurt, pretty bad. I almost lost my right eye and had to have fifteen stitches put in. When my best friend Mike saw me the first time after I got back, he said the scars didn't look bad, that they actually added character to my face. Sounds like what Paul was telling the church in Rome.
After I recovered from my seizure, I had a choice to make, spend the rest of my time in Colorado worrying about the WHAT IFs and sing the HILL STREET BLUES or be STRONGER, go out and enjoy the rest of my stay in Colorado. It was then I remembered something Diane Dike had shared with us at the prayer summit a few weeks earlier. Diane's perspective on life is the opposite of the world's "LIVE LIKE YOU'RE DYING" attitude. This is a pretty sad and miserable way to live. Dying is not a fun way to live and I agree with her on that, since I almost died in that accident twelve years ago. I also watched both of my parents waste away and die from lung cancer five years ago. It wasn't pretty. That is why Diane said she wants to die, living. Wow, what a simple REVELATION. "After all we all wear the mask of grief at some point. The only difference is , how we wear it," Meredith Grey on Grey’s Anatomy.
I decided I would continue being the tourist and go sight-seeing, which led me to the Air Force Academy. The academy is located in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains. As I Walked from the visitor's center to the cadet chapel I thought why teach cadets and pilots how to fly and land planes by the highest mountain range in the United States that is crazy and didn't make any sense to me. Or does it? My friend Tina's husband Mike answered my question when he said, " If you can land an airplane there by the mountains, you can do it anywhere." Knowing that those mountains are there helps keep the pilots alert and teach them how to AVERT, kind of like those runners I mentioned earlier.
Next, I decided to accept an invitation to visit Promise Keeper's headquarters in Denver, Colorado by my friend, Dave Vega(head of Promise Keepers ambassador program) It was after that brief visit while driving south on interstate twenty-five and looking at the Rockies I cried out To God that I knew I wanted to move back to Colorado for Good. But I didn't want to be out of His will. I had faced all of my fears and become an overcomer. I had seen so much change and growth in me. Then I prayed For Him to let me know if it was His will for me to MOVE back to Colorado. In my last blog, we discussed how God hears the cry of His children. It is MY DESIRE to be a man in Christ, not a babe. As Peter told the followers of the way, “crave pure spiritual milk and grow." I am now I'm ready for meat.
As my trip came to an end, I began to revisit some of he places I had already gone and as I did, I remembered all the friends I had made and the storms God had brought me through. Like the apostle Paul my eyes were opened and I have seen WHAT FAITH CAN DO. I know faith walks, If I believe God and trust Him, He is able to do MIRACLE. Like when the prophet Elijah prayed that it would not rain and it didn't for three years, until he sang the RAIN SONG and it rained. My faith has grown that much and I am HANGING ON to the PROMISES of God. My growth didn't end there. After a delay because of a bad snow storm, I headed south to take the southern route back to Georgia. While driving through Texas I began to notice a lot of oil wells and I felt compelled to stop and take pictures, but I was in a hurry to get to a friend from college's house to spend the night. But, the compulsion got stronger as I drove so I stopped and prayed, Lord, I feel YOU'RE HERE and you want me to take pictures of these wells. Why?
Then as I watched the bobbing heads of the wells as they dug deeper, it hit me. I sensed God say, I have to dig through a lot of dirt and rock to get to the best deep in your spirit that needs to come out. Wow, feeling revived I continued my journey to my friend Sanjay’s(who is the college friend that videotaped me in the hospital) house, then I began to pass huge windmills and again I felt the need to stop and take pictures. I asked God again, why? Immediately I remembered what Jesus taught Nicodemus about the wind. Listen to Jesus in the gospel of John (John 3:8.)Those windmills are a faith-powered source of energy. Don’t forget what the writer of Hebrews says about faith(Hebrews 11:1.) Even president Obama has placed his hope for America's energy into faith by harnessing wind power to cut oil dependency. How do you like that you left-wing nut-jobs? Your commander in chief is taking a LEAP OF FAITH. As I drove on, I began to get sleepy and wondered if I'd make it to my friend's house. Then I began to pass more wells and I felt God telling me to Press On.
Later that afternoon I made it to my friend's house. then Sanjay, his wife and I met up with our friend Nipun for a game of pool. Afterward I had a chance to share with Sanjay my thoughts on moving to Colorado. Sanjay told me," Sometimes you have to pack up, move and start all over like he did six years ago." Sanjay went on to say it was the best decision of his life, he now has a wife and a HOME. While writing this blog I heard author Beth Moore say,"when we feel our life has no meaning or purpose, it is because we have fulfilled our purpose where we are and we have to move on. We have to follow the Holy Spirit's leading as He moves." In closing this blog, I can say I have one regret about my trip and that was not putting the effort into getting to know the second woman I met on my trip. Because, I know she is having a hard time with her kids. I had the chance to tell her,these are THE WORDS I WOULD SAY, you can do it! You can grow.
HARD?
And so can you. However, it’s not going to be easy. It's not supposed to be. Author C. S. Lewis once stated, “God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”Remember the writer of Hebrews tells us that God disciplines His children. Listen as the author continues in Hebrews(Hebrews 12:11-12.) Growing is supposed to be painful because the old has to die and give birth to the new. But, how often do we try to avoid pain, difficult situations and confrontation in life, family and relationships? This may be why I have such a problem with germaphobes, they are so afraid of catching a cold or someone else's germs, they go out of their way to avoid things that may or may not harm them. Maybe I'm just confused about how they will ever kiss someone, just staying. While I was in Colorado I learned another name for people like this, pansies.
I challenge you to SHOW ME any Scripture the Bible that tells us to avoid trouble or pain.
Instead there are just numerous passages that tell us to be courageous (Joshua 1:7, Joshua23:6, 2 Samuel 13:28, 2 Chronicles 32:7, Amos 2:16, 1 Corinthians 15:58, 2 Corinthians 4:1) and don't forget my favorite Scripture, 1 Corinthians 16:13. It's almost as if pain is the best way to become HOLY, don't forget that Jesus Himself told us we would have trouble in this world ( John 16:33.) When I told Jesus I wanted JUST TO KNOW YOU, I SIGNED UP TO DIE. All of the patriarchs of faith suffered for being who or doing what God called them to do. Do you think it was easy for Abraham to go up and offer his son as a sacrifice? It was God helping them through their pain and suffering that made them stronger. Almost 12 years ago Bruce Wilkinson wrote a book about a man named Jabez(1 Chronicles 4:9-10) Jabez means born of pain.
I recently heard a message by Bill Purvis in which he explained, “we all like the mountaintop experiences. But it's when we are in the Valley that we grow. Nothing grows on the mountaintop. Brother Garvin, we've both been to the top of Pikes Peak and have seen how nothing grows above the timberline. Maybe that's why men like a challenge. A challenge is one thing, but games are another. Boys play games, men end them and walk away. Because men know games are childish. Maybe it's just that we know we are not in control. Which reminds me of another lesson I learned through men's ministry and this is a tough one for parents, marriage is between a husband and wife. Other than God no one else needs to be involved, right Paul? My mentor is expecting his first grandchild later this month and he will marry his youngest daughter off in November. This is a hard lesson for a lot of parents to learn, letting the children deal with hardships of life on their own. Even Jesus while on the cross cried out, “Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani Mark 15:34?)” Which means Jesus is crying out to His Father, why have you abandoned me? Jesus felt betrayed.
When I was a teenager and started dating, my father gave me a little fatherly advice, "it's better to be hated for who you are, then loved for who you aren't. Don't be fake, son. It's better for a girl to get to know the real you, now. Then later." I think it is human nature for us to put on masks to protect ourselves.We all want to feel loved and important. Whether it's money (stuff and "blessings",) position, popularity or relationships, even in marriage. In his book Writing For The Soul, Jerry Jenkins shares an excerpt from Billy Graham's memoir(which he co-wrote,) Just As I Am from Ruth Graham, "if a husband and wife always agree. One of them isn't necessary." Although, I have never been married, I have learned a lot during the last ten years working and volunteering in men's ministry. The biggest thing I've learned is that marriage isn't a utopia with no problems. That's where a lot of divorces come from.
People going into marriage thinking it will be like some fantasy island, all pleasure and no pain, when actually it's a fantastic voyage of DRIFTING between the two. Besides, everyone knows the best part of fighting, is making up. The marriages that last, that stand the test of time, are the ones where the husband and wife HOLD ON to each other and God during the hard times. I have always said, “marriage is a license to love, not to lust.
About nine years ago I heard At Promise Keepers that the Jewish Talmud says, “when love is strong, a man and woman can make their bed on the edge of a knife, when love is weak a bed of 100 yards is not enough.” After all, don't we take vows to "love each other for better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer?" Instead about half of all marriages these days end in divorce, when one spouse gives up the fight and goes somewhere else where there it isn't a struggle, yet. Because, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, isn't it? What's the number one reason for divorce again? Money! Which leads me to one of my favorite quotes that I have heard over the years in men's ministry, "what most people don't realize is under all of that green grass, is a whole lot of manure.
I think it all goes back to security issues. We want to run from the pain and try to hide, we act like we are perfect. But, the truth is we all have baggage. Don't we? This is what was the downfall of the Pharisees. They thought that their position and knowledge made them righteous, because they looked righteous. However they forgot what the prophet Samuel said in his first letter to the people of Israel concerning the anointing of David as king(1 Samuel 16:7.) Listen to Jesus as He confronts the Pharisees in Matthew's letter to the Jews(Matthew12:34-37.) The apostle Paul even said he was the chief Pharisee in his letter to the church in Corinth. We all know how the apostle Paul was so zealous for religion that he thought he could help God by persecuting and killing Christians (sound familiar?)
Earlier this year I had a conversation with the local pastor about “helping God,” which is impossible, isn't it? We Christians claim that we serve an omnipotent God, how can we help Him? When Christians try to help God, they end up doing the devil's work. It took pain for the apostle Paul to realize that it wasn't all about him and Paul finally stopped wearing his mask. Listen to what he says in his second letter to the church in Corinth(2 Corinthians 11:21-33.)
In the introduction to Steve Farrar's classic men's book Point Man, Farrar shares, "the late Dr. Edwin Louis Cole used to tell a great story. Dr. Cole would speak of that momentous day when the Lord Jesus entered Jerusalem riding on an ass. The crowds were massive and the people were waving palm branches and crying out 'Hosanna, Hosanna!' 'Wouldn't it be something,' Dr. Cole said,' what if that donkey thought all that applause was for him.' The apostle Paul finally got it, Paul even MERKED the Pharisees and never put on his mask again. Now, after all these years, I do as well. I know IT’S NOT ABOUT ME. The apostle Paul went on to tell the church in Rome, "EVERYTHING WORKS TOGETHER for the good of those who love the Lord(Romans8:28.)
With that said sweetie, although it breaks my achy breaky heart to know that I hurt you, I can see the good in it. Because if I had never felt this pain in my chest like I'm ON FIRE, I never would have realized how much I care about you. I would have never thought that I want you. I would have never said, "I NEED YOU." I’d never let you see the real me, this disciple is not for sale. Looking back after this last year, three and half months I can say that I cherish all of those Fridays I spent talking and reading to you for nearly six years.
LEMONADE?
In closing this blog I want to point out that we all go through hard times. The only difference is what we do with them. Look at Judas and Paul. See the difference? When I was growing up there was a saying, “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade." Recently a fellow Christian Writers Guild member compiled stories of suffering and pain into a book, hoping it would encourage people. Sounds like another book we all have doesn't it? That’s what the Word of God is. I recently heard a message by James Merritt in which he explained that Pearls are a by-product of pain. “It all starts when a grain of sand gets into a clam.
The clam is so aggravated by the sand that it secretes a substance to protect it from harm. As the substance coats the sand and the clam squeezes it, pearls are formed. Isn't it amazing that something so valuable comes from pain and suffering? Ironically John tells us that the gates to heaven are made of Pearls (Revelation 21:21.)” During the hurricane Irene scare last month New York city’s mayor, Michael Bloomberg declared, “we HOPE for the best, but prepare for the worst.” This is the BATTLE we all face, We each must decide what we're going to do with the pain and hard times that God allows into our lives. Author Jerry Jenkins makes it clear that writers need to have a “thick skin” to become a successful and professional writer. The key is what a writer does with the criticism, give up or use it to polish and hone their writing skills and grow as a writer.
Anais Nin once said, “Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.” As I finished Jerry's book the betrayal, I was amazed by how Boone's love for LaMonica grew through all of the trials(I guess I can relate.) Needless to say,The Betrayal is not your ordinary suspense/thriller novel. The message of hope that we all need permeates from the opening chapter to the last page. Sweetie, when it comes to you, I CHOOSE to hold on to this pain. I WILL NOT FORGET the hurt that I feel inside. Although it crushes me like an AVALANCHE, it helps me realize how much I want to be with you. I’ve said for months now that I am afraid, now I realize I’m more afraid of hurting you again, than getting hurt myself. My faith in God will HOLD ME TOGETHER. Let me hear THREE LITTLE WORDS and I BET I BOUNCE BACK. In a recent message by Bill Purvis he declared, “I'd rather be in God's will in hell. Then in heaven and out of God's will. Because being out of God's will would be hell for me.” Watcha say sweetie, should we make a move? It is a week from your birthday, can you grow through Da pain?
